Oh, hi there (...if there is anyone),
There's two possible way you could have gotten here. Either you accidentally stumbled upon this blog or someone might had suggest it to you. Well, either way , I humbly welcome you to my blog. Firstly, I would like to apologize for my English as I read this post,you'll notice I am not fluent in it.( English was my second language)
....am I of any value?
I ask myself that question everyday in the past 6 month. Let's begin our topic by saying I'm a guy who was in the verge of death. Why you may ask? Well,I am one of those young adult that had and stilll have suicidal thought lingering inside him.Hahaha,what a way to start a new blog eh? It's kinda funny to think about it you know.
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| How I felt being around other people |
To start things off,I'll give you a general idea about who I was.I'm the kinda guy who had a great future ahead of him. I excel great in sport and my studies. Born in a quite a wealthy family. Admired by friends and loved by teachers. I was the guy who everyone could trust and someone you can share your problems with. Life was great for me. But that wasn't me. Behind this mask, I was a quiet and lonely kid. People don't understand me and only exect too much from me. To make things worse,I had a crazy and evil mind. I used to play around with girl just for fun and hang only with guy who can benefit me in anyway. You can say I'm the definition of HYPOCRITE.
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But soon,I've found someone that changed my life entirely. When I was around 17,I met a girl that I've never thought could change my life . She was just another typical girl who looks kinda cute. At first,I thought she would be an easy one but man was I wrong. She was the religious type. Basically it means she's way out of my league. But I dunno why,I wanted to try to get to know her better. I tried to get closer to her and be around her. Day after day,seeing how she talk and act,I was already in love with the girl. She changed me from inside. I started to become a better friend,son and person,generally. But lets keep this short,at the end of the day, we had mutual feelings for ourselves and even got plans to get married after a few years.....but it all changes with a single terrible mistake.
In 2014, I was introduced with a plan to try to make easy money by a good friend of mine. At first I hesitated a bit because I wasn't really familiar with those kind of stuff but after seeing my friend become quite successful,I took the chances to try it out.After being explained detail about the plan,I was so excited because I thought that this could really work. If I can do with, I wanted to help other friends with the plan as well. But it wasn't easy. At first it seems fun and fine but just as soon I tasted the income, I awaken my old dark side again. Desire for more money became my objective and I was determined to get more ,one way or the other. I didn't think about how other's feeling and abuse everyone the worked so hard with me with the plan. The more money I got my hand into, the more I overused the power of my co-worker.
Soon,all hell broke loose. Rumors about me being a freak who only thinks about money was flying around my neighbourhood. My best friend a.k.a my co-worker knew about how sick I was and spreaded the rumors around. Eventually everyone knows about the true me. People started to avoid me. Those people who I called 'friends' betrayed me and left me alone. I was currently in debt because I took up too much loan from people.Being betrayed by the person I believe in,I couldn't focus in anything. I felt lost and it affected my studies in college. Unable to handle too much stress,I ended up dropping out of college when I was 19. Seeing my life becoming like hell bit by bit took a toll on me. I became insane inside. It was as if they was a demon in me trying to let loose. Debt collecter was searching for me day and night as I hid myself at the comfort of my room. I started to became paranoid everything and about how the world trying to get me. I was traumatized by the term 'FRIENDS'. I turned into a shut-in who haven't been going out from a few month and I lost my body tone. I became lonely and pathetic. But I wasn't gonna give up hope. I wanted to turn the table around. The only person who would understand me would be the person I loved .One day, the day I was so scared of finally happens. The person I love, knew about me and about how I really was. I was stoned whe she said,"...I don't think I want this anymore...". At that moment, I lost all reason to live. I wasn't used to be someone who was close to God but that person help me find God's love in my heart. At that moment, even I thought I was done for.Not even God can help me now. I laugh while tears pours down my eyes alone at my room. I knew it. This is what I deserve. This is God's punishment to me. I knew it. Bad guys always loses in the end.
I stop making contact with anyone outside in the world except for my family. I lost all hope in life. Even my family noticed my drastic change and ask me why I changed but I just couldn't say it.I couldn't say that the kid you raised was a DEVIL. After a few weeks,I was determined to end it all once and for all. I coudn't handle it anymore. I was the trash of society. I was a liability for my family. I was the disgraced for both my parents. "Maybe...just maybe without me,they would be happier," was all I could think of. I was thinking of commiting suicide. I kept occupying myself with negative thoughts. But still,why was I afraid? What made me hate myself? I just don't know. One day, my older brother was home from his university,saw me laying alone in my room. He came into the room,trying to cheer me up and said," Why the long face? Did you have a break up with your girlfriend? eh eh eh?".I burst with laughter when he said that. We both laugh until he pats my head and went out. I was still laughing but at the same time, crying. I was confused. Why am I crying? When was the last time I laughed like that? When was the last time I felt loved by someone else. I continued crying till there was no more tears left.
I've lost my friends.I've lost my faith. I've lost the one I loved. I've lost everything. Is there a reason I should be alive? Maybe I should jump off a bridge or something hahahaha. Jokes aside,what I was trying to say here is that, my older brother did really gave me quite an impact when he tried to cheer me up. I missed smiling everyday and learning something new. I missed the cold refreshing morning air and the sound of bird chirping. Maybe...just maybe life isn't about just trying to impress others. Maybe I wasn't meant to be the COOL guy that people love. Maybe I could be guy I wanted and would love to be.
And that is why I came here to BLOGGER. I wanted to record about my life,the ups and downs,the good and bad,happy and sad memories. I wanted a place where I could release my frustration that I've bottled up until now (I've even started writing a diary). I'm taking a step at a time to turn my life around. I've already applied to enter back to my studies this June. So before I meet new people,before I start my life again, I want to CHANGE myself. I want to become a better person in these few months and thats what I intend to do with this blog. Perhap if you would like to support me and join my journey,then you are most welcome (dear,imaginary readers). I hope this effort will take away all the my suicidal though away and give me hope to live my life to the fullest. I know I'm the idiot who screw up big time ...
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...but maybe a little CHANGES is what I really need . Thanks for reading my story and I hope you enjoy reading. Have a good day and don't forget to enjoy your life. :)
